Peek a boo, it’s me Autism.

Did your heart stop for just a second? Did you get that fight or flight reaction? Lol, don’t worry, people. Autism isn’t a bad word. Let’s work together to put the stigma behind us.

If you are reading this, you probably know someone with autism, maybe your own child or a close friend’s child, or maybe you yourself have autism. As you might already know, life with Autism has its challenges, but the rewards are oh sooooo sweet. It makes your heart melt like drippy ice cream on a hot summer’s day.

My name is Jaar. I have a 4-year-old daughter named Mayah with autism. I love her to the moon and beyond. Life has indeed thrown its share of challenges as we are new on our journey through Autism. Let me share how we started.

Funny Surprise!

The day I found out I was pregnant was the funniest day ever. My husband and I went to the clinic to get a doctor’s paper to renew our tour guide license. You should know, my husband was always terrified of having kids. So as a joke, I decided to tell him, “I think I might be pregnant, so I’ll take a free test since I’m already here.”

HONESTLY, I was just trying to scare him a little as a good laugh. But the JOKE WAS ON ME! As soon as that little test stick got dipped, the nurse said, “It’s positive, mam.” OMG, I almost had a heart attack. I couldn’t breathe. I was so scared. When I finally got my breath back and told my husband the news, he just laughed like, yeah, this is one of your jokes again. It took 2 weeks and an ultra sound to convince him this was real. At least I got my laugh when he almost fainted to the news. Lol.

Dreaming and Planning

One of the happiest days of my life, my baby girl Mayah was finally here. I said, “Babe, this will be easy. I’ll breast feed, no need to buy formula. I’ll use cloth diapers, no need for pricey disposables. I’ll deliver at the hospital, no need for private medical care.” Boy, was I wrong! Everything I planned for happened the opposite way. Being the optimistic person I am, I still believed I could plan my new life to be perfect. I dreamed of all the conversations we would have, the places we would travel to, all the things we would do. My lee Bombali.

New Mom

As a new mother with no experience at all with babies, I learned how to change diapers for the first time, give a baby bath, the whole enchilada. I researched every week what to expect for new milestones. I wanted to be a perfect mom for my baby. She seemed to have been progressing right on track—sitting up, crawling, walking. Then approaching 2 years of age, I noticed my baby wasn’t saying any words at all and avoided eye contact. The doctor said, “That’s normal. It’s just Mayah’s personality, shy and quiet. Wait until she is 4 before you start to worry.” That’s all I needed to hear to put my mind at ease. “It’s normal Jaar, stop worry.”

No Worry, Just Focused

I didn’t really stress about it, but I did buy flash cards and baby puzzles to start working on getting words and sharpen her little brain. Other than not speaking yet, everything seemed normal on track to me. I rejoiced with every new word she learned from her flash cards and rejoiced when she finally learned how to match her wooden puzzles without getting frustrated. I rejoiced whenever she would spin around nonstop without getting dizzy, my little ballerina. Rejoiced when she learned to clap her hands trying to sing and stomp her feet and shake her booty to country music. I sent videos to everyone until they were annoyed of me bragging about my baby.

Then I realized, hmmm, people are giving me what I call slight pity looks. A friend then told me, “Jaar, Mayah is 3 and doesn’t talk. She doesn’t run to you and say mommy or daddy when you have been away for a long time. She doesn’t give hugs and kisses. She doesn’t say bye bye, hello. She doesn’t point, doesn’t make eye contact, doesn’t respond to her name. “I hope she’s not autistic,” my friend said.

Denial

OH OOOHHHH. I went into panic mode with the ugly stigma in my head. At first, I was in complete denial. “Of course, my baby isn’t disabled. She is the happiest child I know, full of life, and laughter. She was just a late talker.” All of a sudden, the ugly voices in my head started manifesting itself. Instead of looking at the bright side, the optimistic person I was, I started hearing the slight negativity of everyone’s tone. “She is 3 why doesn’t she say hello back to me? Why doesn’t she look at me? What’s wrong with her?”

OH HELL! OH NO YOU DIDN’T JUST SAY THAT ABOUT MY BABY! TELL THAT OFF QUICK FAST AND HURRY. That was the ugly voice in my head fighting to come out every time somebody said something negative. I tried to shake it off but the voice in my head was getting too loud. This was just the beginning of the new me.

Stay Tuned for Part 2….