Looking In the Mirror

Today I turn forty…SOMETHING. Honestly, I’m not big on birthdays, haven’t been in a long time. This year though, I’ve stopped to look in the mirror. Never did I think I would be here at this point in my life. Forty –SOMETHING, a single mom, unemployed, still trying to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up…

Oh the Dreams…

I mean, when I was at SJCJC, a professor had us write our Eulogies. I gave myself 14 best sellers – 7 romances from when I fell in love and got married and 7 murder mysteries from when I fell out of love and got rid of husband number – whatever, because seriously at some point, I would stop keeping count.

Then of course I actually DID fall in love. Dreams changed. I dreamt of a family that would travel and go on great adventures. My son was gonna rule the world and accomplish so many great things – and of course, make money, lots of money, so he can provide for his momma and treat her like a Queen. LOL 

Then of course, autism popped in -uninvited and definitely unwelcomed. 

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

So now, sometimes looking in the mirror can be hard. I can’t honestly say I love, or even like, what I see some days. I’ve gained the COVID-15lbs. I see those damn freaking greys and wrinkles. I have permanent bags under my eyes. I can’t remember the last time I was serious about my running or even swam so long that I got so caught up in moving that I couldn’t even think (things that would make me really happy, as weird as that sounds).

There are times I stare at myself and just wish I had more patience with Teo. I stare and get angry at myself for not giving Teo enough of my attention or for not trying hard enough…or worse when I start that horrid What If thinking… 

Yeah, have I mentioned I hate mirrors…

Today

Even with all that though, today, I look in that damn mirror and all I can think is, “So freaking what!” Yeah, this wasn’t the life I wanted or dreamed about. But you know what? I’ve got the best family and a wonderful support system. Mateo has his people too – TONS of people who support him. He’s happy and loved and he knows it. And me? I might not have that glossy, fancy life, but I’m doing good. Seriously. I do good for others, as small as it may be, and it’s helped me to be good for myself and Teo. Actually, many days, I honestly feel good about myself and who I am.

I’ve got lots of room to grow – to be a better mom, friend, person, but I’m finally feeling ok about who I am – extra lbs and grey hairs and wrinkles and all.

Welcome to Holland

Like the popular poem, Welcome to Holland, I can’t focus on the places I should have gone – Adventures I had dreamed about having. I can’t spend it mourning what might have been. So instead, I’m gonna keep exploring this new path and enjoying all the twists and turns. 

Teo and I? We are absolutely gonna keep being good and doing good. 

Happy Freaking Birthday to Me!

PS: If you don’t understand the gifs, you obviously haven’t watched Ted Lasso yet – and if you haven’t done that, what ARE you waiting for? Go! Binge! You’ll thank me later…