This week Autism Belize held its first Special Needs Parent and Teacher Training of 2021.Our presenters were an Occupational Therapist, originally from South Africa, and a Speech Therapist, originally from Canada, but who now both live and work in the Cayman Islands. They did an excellent job teaching us about Picky Eaters vs. Problem Feeders: How to help children develop healthy relationships with food.
Deconstruction – yes, that’s a thing
If you know Mateo and me, you know we’ve had significant feeding issues through most of his life. Hell, I can probably write a book about our feeding struggles alone. After the great presentation, I asked our presenters how I can help Mateo now. See, he is eating more variety (FINALLY). He still can’t handle too many textures at a time, though, so he will pick his food apart- or deconstruct it. If he is eating a burger, for example, he will first open it up and eat the lettuce. Then he will eat the onion and next the bread. Finally he will eat the burger patty. With pizza, it’s first the pepperoni, then the cheese and finally the crust. As you can imagine this makes for a very messy feeding time.
The presenter looked at me and said that the question is more about ME and what I need than him. He’s figured out how to be able to eat more and handle different foods. My concern is about appearances. She’s exactly right.
Myths
During the training they addressed several myths. Myth: children will eat when they are hungry enough. Myth: Eating is natural and instinctual. Myth: the parents are most often to blame for picky eaters and problem feeders. They continued shooting these myths down, explaining facts to us parents. All I could think about is, “GOD! I wish so many people I know could listen in and learn.” When I think of all the advice from parents with ‘neurotypical’ children and looks I’ve gotten over the years, I wish they could also have attended this training to get a better understanding of all the issues that could be involved in feeding.
Quick to Judge
So between the question I asked and these myths, I had to stop and think. We are always so quick to judge others. And yes, I totally include myself in that WE. We post and comment easily, judging parents for the amount of screen time we think their kids are watching. We comment about whether or not children need medication for ADHD or Autism without even thinking about how insulting this might be to those who are struggling with mental health or other issues. We give looks at grocery stores when we see a child crying and we think they are having a tantrum. The bottom line is, though, we do NOT know.
Yes, we might have some experience. We might spend some time with these kids. We might have read a book or gotten a degree. Yes, all that has value. But, let’s be honest, unless you are living with this child day in and day out, night in and night out, you do not know.
Real life, real struggles, real people
So many are quick to say, “ I just don’t know how you do it” and “You’re super mom” or “God knew what he was doing”. Many times it can feel like you raise us special needs parents up to the level of super heroes, but then are quick to give us a look when we say our children are on medication or we lose or temper or when our child won’t sit at the table at dinner time and won’t eat what everyone else is eating.
We are all different
The thing is, we are going through our own thing. Some of you out there have it a lot harder than I do. Some of your struggles, I can’t even begin to comprehend. And posts on social media don’t even begin to tell the story. I think the only thing we all KNOW is that unless it’s your life and you are really truly involved, we have no clue what our neighbors, friends, students, classmates, co-workers are going through.
A Challenge
Research shows that January 19 is the day most people give up on their New Year’s resolutions. It’s now January 22, so instead of a resolution, let me ask you to take a challenge. I challenge you over the next month (I like short term realistic goals) to instead of judging or offering comments, to take a moment to ask questions. Offer support (not advice). Before you comment or share some meme or post, try to look at something from another’s perspective. Remember every single child is different. Our home lives are different. Cultures are different. Let’s all – and yes me too cause I can be so guilty of all this as well- just try to be a little more supportive and a little less judgy….
A Belize that is educated and accepting of differences will be a stronger, kinder, transformed Belize.
