I’m going to begin here with full disclosure: even though we have known Mateo and loved him from before he was born, we, as a family, have only been truly getting to know him for the past two years or so. They didn’t live in Belize, so our contact and interaction was limited to videos and calls and emails – we knew about him but didn’t really know him – if you understand what I mean.
Since the summer of 2018… my, how we’ve grown! We are nowhere near autism experts, nor do we come close to knowing how to manage Teo the way his mama does, but our little family has definitely learned a few things from this kid.
Here they are, in no particular order:
- Pinches are a love language. You know that line about autism being a puzzle? Well, that puzzle gets even more complicated when you’ve got a little person who can’t use his words to tell you how he feels. He’s got to find other ways to communicate – and, for Teo, one way is the pinch.
There’s the “hey, there you are! I haven’t seen you since yesterday” squeeze on the arm that you get when you say good morning. And then, there’s the “hey, keep driving! I don’t want you to turn here – who told you I’m ready to go home” pinch that you get when you dare to turn the wrong way. And the happy squeeze, sometimes a full body squeeze, that you get when he’s happy – often when you’re swimming in the open water, and he realizes that he’s got company. That one especially is often accompanied with a big smile – and it may be followed by a hug that pushes you right under the water and leads to a game of swim tag.
Happy… mad… let’s play… sometimes words are overrated. We’ve learned sometimes you just need a good pinch to get your message across.
2. Expect the unexpected. It’s so easy to make judgments, eh? We grumble or complain or expect the worst of others sometimes more easily than we praise or thank or see the good in them. Teo has taught us that we should expect the unexpected when it comes to taking care of him too, because who would have thought that our David – our smart mouthed, fast talking, challenge to every teacher and to every rule – that David, would be the one to bond with Teo so fast?!
It amazed us all…
Who pushed Teo the most to say car, shoes, boat (and a few other words that shouldn’t be mentioned in polite company)? David
Who tried to teach him to play video games and to catch and shoot a basketball? David
Who do we call to go get Teo when he won’t listen to anyone else? David
Who willingly volunteered to take the lead role in taking care of Teo so Auntie Christy could get a well-deserved overnight trip to the caye? Yup, David.
So, yeah – these two are buddies. They don’t see each other every day, or even spend time together every weekend, but they’re tight. And it’s pretty amazing to see this side of David too. Sometimes, as parents, we focus on seeing our kids only from one angle. Watching David and Teo together makes my heart fill up, every single time, because David’s the one the world might have least expected to do so well with him – and so we learn – well, you get the idea.
3. Don’t push your luck. Our three children are teenagers now. They’re amazingly close to all their cousins, but, like I said earlier, we’re still learning about Mateo and autism. And teenagers are inherently selfish beings – every mother of teenagers knows this, I’m sure. So while I encourage them to spend time with him, or I ask them sometimes to stop what they’re doing to help Teo and Auntie Christy, I appreciate all the times when they choose to do it. They will work out their own rotation if necessary, so they take turns sometimes.
It’s great to see them having fun together, spontaneously playing and laughing, or keeping an eye out for him or taking care of him. And sometimes, when they’re focused on their phones or on the computer, and they’re not inclined to move, I leave them alone. Their willing and active participation means much more than any forced interactions.
4. Open minds lead to … new careers. I keep saying it: we’ve all been learning so much about autism since the summer of 2018. Our work at Horizon Academy has predisposed us all, if you will, to care about inclusion, but living with autism, we have learned, is a completely different world.
When you combine that reality with a bright young mind, getting set to graduate from SJCJC, trying to decide what career path would suit her, the result is someone like our daughter. She listened, she asked questions, she thought and researched and thought some more. And now she is studying Behavioural Healthcare with a concentration in Applied Behaviour Analysis – because that is a real need here in our beloved Belize.
She’s loving it. And the parent in me and the principal in me can’t help but think – that blessing is what we need more of: young people who are able to link their experiences with their interests, and then explore career options that can help others and build our nation. We’ve got Teo to thank for Mara’s decision, I guess.
5. Learning comes in all forms. How do you know when you’ve learned something? How do you know that your family has changed? Sometimes it’s little things that catch you off guard, like seeing your husband start his truck and wait for Teo to climb in, because he’s not going too far for too long and he knows how much Teo loves car rides (before the covid-quarantines, of course!). Or watching our Bill, in his quiet, focused way, redirect and guide Teo to distract him when it’s not time for candy or when it’s time to take a shower. Sometimes it’s bigger, planning for the next day and realizing that our boys really are growing up, because they can play a bigger role in helping out.
It’s not typical or usual, living with autism. It’s not what you might have expected as a parent – or as an auntie or an uncle or a cousin. So we keep our minds and our hearts open. We teach Mateo a thing or two, I’m sure – but we have been learning from him so much more.
