On Friday I made an #autismbelizerealtruth image about parents celebrating graduation, while I’m here happy that Mateo is saying a couple new words. It’s the honest truth and the juxtaposition makes my twisty and sarcastic self smile. But really, it’s also a sad fact that has at times led me down the path of self-isolation and depression.
Looking Back…
When Mateo was younger, 2-3, it was hard socializing with other kids his age. I would see how they play with toys – while Mateo was in a corner flapping or just running up and down. I saw how the kids would ‘make friends’ with each other, while Mateo stood alone. He was the picky eater. He would be the one that couldn’t handle the noise and wanted to leave early. I was constantly worried about what he would do or if he would have a melt-down. I was worried about what others would think or say. Even with all that, though, at least we were still invited to social occasions.
As Mateo got older, though, the invitations became fewer. The kids got older and the parties were at loud places with video games and the like that wouldn’t even interest Mateo. So even the few times when we were invited, we still couldn’t go. Mateo was – and is- still stuck on Elmo and Mickey and the Wiggles. Video Games don’t grab his attention at all. Tag Lazer, for example, with all the strobing lights, would drive him insane. So yes, we became more and more isolated.
It felt like others moved on while we were stuck…
I have to take part of the blame for the isolation, though. As Mateo got physically older, but otherwise stayed about the same, other kids grew. I would listen to moms talk about their kids starting to take soccer or guitar lessons. Moms would laugh about the jokes and conversations they have with their kids. I’d listen to them complain about homework and school projects and all the regular ‘typical’ stuff most families go through.
Except we weren’t. Mateo was still tracing letters and working on numbers. He wasn’t telling me about his day at school or asking to go hang out with friends. I couldn’t find a soccer club or sports group that would be willing to even try with Mateo. The comparisons, God, they are hard. It was sort of easier for me to stay isolated and keep working on teaching Mateo to dress himself than listen to these conversations.
Recognizing the problem…
I don’t even think I realized I was self-isolating. I mean, I LOVE hearing the stories about my nephews and godchildren succeeding. I like watching pictures of my friends’ kids and I’ll comment some smart-ass joke about how the parents better watch out when they start dating. My goddaughter, Isabela, always puts a smile on my face when she sends me a video of her dancing or imitating some new TikTok video. You can really see her amazing personality come thru when she loses her shyness.
So yes, I didn’t consciously stop and recognize that I turned down invitations to hang out with other moms. I mean, Mateo is so demanding on my time and I’m exhausted most evenings anyway. And arranging a babysitter is not as easy as it is for others. So, I wasn’t lying. I also wasn’t making too much of an effort either.
Turning point…
All this didn’t hit me until someone said to me, “Mateo is 10 now; He should be…” The statement at the time made me feel horrible. It was a swift kick to my gut. It was true, at 10 Mateo should already be doing this or that. Then later as I processed, I got really mad. Yes, a neurotypical kid at 10 should be…but Mateo isn’t and who is anyone to judge?
I spiraled. I couldn’t stop thinking about this. I was obsessively going through our lives like a video montage in a movie. Comparisons aren’t fair at all to Mateo. I know others do it and that sucks. But I’m the mom – no way in HELL should I be doing it! I know better. I love him. I needed to BE better. It doesn’t matter how old Mateo is. I needed to focus on helping him grow, at his own pace, and just be proud of how far we’ve come and how hard he keeps working.
Consciously trying to do better…
Now, this is easier said than done, of course. I can’t help watching pictures of my friends’ kids graduate and get awards and give speeches and know it’s never going to be like that for Teo. But now, I can recognize the emotions and try to deal with them. Instead of being depressed or self-isolating from my friends, family and the world.
I now am not shy about sharing Mateo’s accomplishments too. I know some people might see a post of me talking about how happy I am that Mateo is doing better at bathing himself and think, wait, how old is her son again? WHATEVER. I’m going to be happy for his accomplishments- or just him trying- no matter what his age is.
I know these feelings- and the comparisons will always be a battle. Learning to drive, first dates, proms, getting accepted to universities, amazing job offers, first apartments and marriage – I’ll always be happy of others’ successes; but also, it will be a little bittersweet for me as a mom too. I’m human. I accept that I will have those twinges. It’s how I deal and process with them that matters. And that, I can work at.
