Best Laid Plans…
I had a plan. There weren’t supposed to be surprises- or not any serious ones, anyway. Then motherhood happened. Nothing went as planned.
I had been married for years before we decided to get pregnant. We were young, in love, and living life to its fullest. When we finally made the decision to try, it was December 2006. We were living in the British Virgin Islands. It just all seemed like the perfect place and time to add to our life.
By January 2007, I was pregnant. We were both shocked that it happened so fast. I mean, I had spent almost 2 weeks in Aruba on work away from my hubby, so literally, we got pregnant during a 10 day window. Seriously. Maybe right then I should have known that we can’t plan for this like we plan for our careers. But eh, I’m a trifle slow.
Some of my plans: I was going to be healthy and active and not gain too much weight (okay, this was sort-of accomplished). After my sisters had had 5 boys, I REALLY wanted a girl. (Teo made it known at our first big ultrasound that THAT wasn’t gonna happen) I wanted a Libra since my husband and I were both Libras (Teo came 3 weeks early and missed being a Libra by ONE Day. I kid you not). I was going to have a natural birth- no drugs (this I kept to, though looking back, if I was gonna be insane and do it again, I would say, YES give the me the drugs! Please don’t judge: Mateo was almost 9lbs!).
Honestly, though, these were stupid dreams/plans/goals that I didn’t take too seriously. It was more me being me – a little dramatic, sarcastic and weird. Being a first-time mom, however, I DID have real dreams of the kind of mom I would be. I would teach my son to swim as early as I could. I dreamt of having him fall in love with reading since I love to read so much. I wanted him to play soccer with his dad. We would be the house where all the kids would come to play. I’d be firm and involved in his life. I’d help him with his homework, but never be the parent that would DO his work or projects. I’d restrict screen time and encourage outdoor play as much as possible. If you’re a parent, you know what I’m talking about.
First Time Mom…
I made all of Mateo’s baby food from scratch. I was strict about Mateo sleeping in his crib. I had him floating in the pool by 9 months and doing a doggie paddle on his own by 3 years old. I invited moms to our home all the time for ‘play group’. He walked at 9 months and was climbing up stairs at 10 months. I read to him every night. We did everything together since I didn’t have family where we were living to help out.
I kept track of his advancement as most first time moms’ do. The What To Expect book for the first year was like my little bible. But things changed. At the 15 month mark, he got his first ear infection, then the second. He became a fussy little boy who didn’t sleep or socialize well. He lost his words. The boy who could eat 3 scrambled eggs became a super picky eater. He stopped stacking blocks. He didn’t want to play with toys and me reading to him at night was like torture.
More and More Challenges…
Life got really hard. He ignored me when I called, so much so, I was worried all the ear infections had affected his hearing. He was quick to cry and hard to please and only, really, always wanted his mommy. Actually, it was MY exhaustion and worry that caused the pediatrician to take notice. To this day, I think she took an interest because she was worried about my well-being and not necessarily Mateo’s. But when she started asking questions, it quickly became clear that I wasn’t struggling just because I was a first time mom who expected everything to be perfect. No, I was struggling because there was a real issue. The A word.
Three Main Areas for Autism: Social Interaction, Communication, and Repetitive Behaviors
When the doctor first mentioned Autism, I honestly really had never even thought about it. I was healthy and young. My husband was healthy. I had a great pregnancy. Mateo was a big kid who had great gross motor skills and up until 15 months seemed ahead of the curve. Autism? Yeah no! Me, being me,I went straight home and online to read. And read. And read some more. There was no denying it. There are three things docs looks at when diagnosing autism: social interaction, communication, repetitive behaviors. And boy – did he meet all three in spades.
The process of getting the diagnosis was the worst time of my life. That’s another long story for another day. What I do want to say is that upon looking back, while hearing that your 20 month old son is Autistic absolutely shatters you; it’s not a death sentence.
Autism is Just A Fraction of Who Mateo Is…
We’re not fighting for his life. Mateo is still healthy and happy and fun to be around most of the time. Mateo is way more than his diagnosis. There are so many times when I’m interacting with him and we are giggling and swimming and doing cannon balls that I look into his handsome face and I just see Mateo. I don’t see Autism. Autism is a part of his quirky personality- and I do so love his personality.
On the other hand, though, he is severely autistic. Autism IS a life-long developmental disability. He isn’t fighting for his life exactly, but he struggles every day to manage with things that come so easily for those of us who are neurotypical. So much so, we can’t even begin to understand his daily struggles. Day to day living is hard for him. All the additional issues that come with autism- sensory processing disorder, ADHD, OCD, depression, being misunderstood by so many, anxiety, sleep issues- mean Mateo is constantly struggling. It’s not easy for him. He can’t tell me that because he’s nonverbal. I see the struggle and the frustration on his face. It is so clear.
Dreams Can Change and That Is Ok…
So yeah, my naive view of motherhood and dreams for Mateo have changed drastically over the years due to the A word. I’ve become more of a realist. I don’t dream of having long philosophical conversations with him about politics and the environment and the best way forward for Belize. I don’t dream of us sharing books and comparing who’s read more in a week. I don’t dream of him getting advance degrees, making millions and taking his momma on trips to Bora Bora. (Although I still think at times he can bring Belize her first gold medal from the Olympics.)
These days I dream of him saying, “I love you.” Or “Happy Mother’s Day”. I dream about him being able to hold some sort of job so HE feels independent and important. I dream of a world that is more aware and accepting and less judgmental and harsh. I dream of him being able to manage basic life skills like grocery shopping or making his own food and being somewhat self-reliant.
My dreams have changed for him and for me. My plans for the future? Well, now it’s more like writing on a whiteboard – every day I can erase and add or modify. One thing that hasn’t changed? My view of motherhood and the relationship between mother and son.
He’s my world. I am his. He’s amazing the way he is. I want to help him with his struggles. I do NOT want to change who he is fundamentally. I will, however, fight daily to change the world for him. He can’t say, “I love you” in words, but he shows it every day with his smile.
I’m a mom, just like all the other moms. We adjust accordingly for our children. We love to infinity and beyond.
