I stare. I wonder. I swear, I spend so much of my time just doing those 2 things, hoping for answers.
I stare at Mateo when he sleeps wondering if he’s truly happy. I wonder what he dreams about and how his day went. I stare at him while he splashes in a mud puddle – for hours on end. I just stare and wonder, what fascinates him about that action? What does he think about as he just repeatedly splashes, splashes, splashes?
There are times when he comes right up to me and intensely stares into my eyes. “What does he see?” I wonder. What is he trying to tell me? God, I have so many questions and I think I’d be happier than the mega lottery winner if only he could answer a few…
In the blink of an eye…
May was a hard month, sleep wise. Most nights he was up for hours and hours on end. Then June started, and like the push of a button, all of a sudden, he starts sleeping through the night again (well, about 5 nights out of 7). Why? What changed?
In the past few weeks, we’ve had a few pretty crappy days at school, but also, some pretty great ones too. This week, he was content to use his education apps on his iPad to spell words, write letters, do puzzles. No fighting. No dodging work. No complaining. Actually, in the past few weeks, even in his free time, he’s spent more time doing the education apps than he has spent on YouTube. Why? What truly motivates him? How long will this last?
So many different emotions…
The other night, he was happy and playful. Laughing and running around the house with Coco, our newest addition to the family. He seemed carefree. He gave no trouble as we progressed through our night time routine. I finally kissed him goodnight and left him in his room – hoping he’d fall asleep soon. Shortly after as I lay in bed, I started to hear some noise from him. My first thought was, “Oh No! He’s gearing up to start partying all night.”
It wasn’t his usual noise, though, so I went to check. He was curled up crying. Not a meltdown or a tantrum, but sad. Tears rolling down his face. Why? Who knows? I went to try to comfort him; he pushed me away. I tried to give him his iPad to distract him. He didn’t want it. All I could do was sit on the edge of the bed and stare. How does my happy boy go to heartbreakingly sad so quickly? Was it a memory of the day? Was he in pain? Did I do something wrong? How can I help him? Who knows?
Data & Reasoning
If you’re a special needs parent, you know the experts would say take the data. Track the behaviors. Note your ABC’s – Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence. What happened before? What was the behavior? What was the result of the Behavior?
Yes, this makes sense. It has helped me over the years with Teo figuring out what motivates him, how to manage certain behaviors, etc. But the bottom line is, even when tracking the data, it doesn’t help to answer so many of the questions that run through my mind as I watch my son happily stim or watch Mickey Mouse in French or Japanese.
None of that tells me what HIS dreams are for his life. Is he truly happy? Does he want more? More friends? More opportunities to try new things? Am I pushing him too hard or not enough?
I love Teo – mood swings, evil laughter, insomniac that he is. I don’t want to change his personality. So many days though as I stare at my handsome son, I just wish I could understand him better. I wish that he could tell me more about what he’s thinking and feeling.
I swear, my son will fascinate and confuse me every single day for the rest of my life. He’ll keep me wondering and staring and questioning… but I guess that’s part of his charm. Just look at that face – it’s like he’s trying to say, “Keep looking ladies, I’m guaranteed to keep you mesmerized.”
