IS IT JUST ME?
We got Mateo’s diagnosis over 10 years ago. Since then my life has largely revolved around autism – learning, attending training, and searching for schools/therapy/activity options. I’ve tried to help Mateo navigate the world that struggles to understand him. I’ve also tried to make the little bubble we live in as autism-sensitive, safe, and accepting as possible. To do this, I’ve had to live by routines and schedules- being hyper-vigilant of his behaviors. Without even realizing it, I swear, it’s almost like I’ve found my way on the autism spectrum too. Has this happened to you?
Routines
One of the first things I learned about helping Mateo is that he works well with schedules and routines. He needs to know what to expect for the day, what’s coming next. This helps him greatly. After 10 years of trying to stick to routines and/or create new routines as necessary, I find myself needing them too. Call me out of the blue to do something different? Yeah, no. I might want to join you. Now that I am home with family, I might even be able to get a babysitter to join you. But I’m so used to trying to plan for every event and mentally preparing for what’s going to happen next, changing that plan for a sudden invite almost seems impossibly hard for me.
Timing
Mateo doesn’t own a watch. He hates wearing anything on his body. Yes, we get him to keep his clothes on now- but beyond that- hats, sunshades, masks, jewelry, bands- those are all a no way! I’m not sure if they irritate him, distract him or what, but he won’t keep any of these on for more than a couple minutes. But, I digress. Back to my point.
He doesn’t wear a watch, but my kid KNOWS time. I would arrive at school every day by 11:50AM. He doesn’t finish until 12, but because of uncertain traffic, I would arrive early. If I would arrive at 11:55, his shadow would tell me, Mateo couldn’t see my car and would start to get upset. He is generally like this about everything. He’s super excited to go some place so he would be ready early. And he HATES when mom is late; and he KNOWS somehow. So after years of making sure that I’m not late for him, I hate being late myself. No. That’s not true. I can basically give myself an anxiety attack worrying about being late for a meeting, or class or whatever. Never mind others might be late or that it’s just a party and no one will be mad- I still really get upset.
Planning
Any parent knows that once you have a child, it takes a certain amount of planning for just about everything. Road trip to Grandma’s, overnight at the caye, school friend’s birthday party – you need to pack diapers, change of clothes, and as your child gets older, the type of planning changes- pick-up times, permission slips, but you still need to plan. For a Special Needs Parent- the planning is way more intense. You have to figure out if location is safe; do you have meds, special dietary concerns, what’s the plan if it’s too crowded or loud? Do you have/need reinforcers? The list can go on and on.
Over the years, trying to plan for what Mateo MIGHT need and worry about what he might do, has made me an obsessive planner. Going for a car ride, do we have water? Is the iPad charged? Pack meds in case we end up staying late? So now, even when my family just wants to do a day trip, I’m almost OCD about planning in advance to make sure I have a list of the 50 million things I might need for a 6 hour trip. I recognize I have an issue. I want to roll my eyes at me. I want to smack ME upside my head and tell myself to chill! But yeah, I just can’t seem to help myself. Kinda like Sheldon’s knocking on Penny’s door…
ISSUES
I can probably go on and on about these ‘quirks’, ‘issues’, ‘problems’ (honestly not sure what to call them) that I’ve grown to have over the years. I recognize that this does NOT mean that I’m on the autism spectrum. I do joke though, that I feel like with these new anxieties and issues I am slowly finding myself there. (Hey, you live long enough with autism as a main focus, you get to make weird off the wall jokes! It’s a rule- even if I did make it up myself.) I guess maybe I think it’s better to say that I’m becoming a little autistic than to think that maybe it’s all because I’m getting old. (Yikes!).
What do you think? Is it just me? (PLEASE tell me, it’s not JUST me!) Am I getting old? Or am I just developing quirks due to our special lifestyle?